Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
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[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”