Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
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We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
my one true gender
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Taliband
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
I love art.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.