There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
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even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175