Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
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Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound