HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
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Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on