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The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult