Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
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[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.