HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
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I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
just having fun
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
sigh
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Life cycle of cat
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.