Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
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[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced: