HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
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“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.