“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
You Might Also Like
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
LOOOOOOL
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
this makes me so uncomfortable
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Breaking news:
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.