I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
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ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
*puts words between two asterisks*
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒