Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
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I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
🤣🤣🤣
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”