[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
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processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)