Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
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Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Jesus steals the winter solstice
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories