“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
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Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.