Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
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“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Saturday
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf