Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
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Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
#Caturday
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.