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@sofarrsogud: HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
@JoshuaTurek: Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
@Girly_Pictures: Me as a thief
@sixfootcandy: Librarian: Shhh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
@thatUPSdude: Was driving with my dad the other day and he told me to get the map out of the glove box. Easy there Indiana Jones, I will just google it.
@WheelTod: Jesus' Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs