Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….