[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
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Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.