Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
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PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line