Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
You Might Also Like
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Erm…
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
🙂🙃🥹
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.