Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
You Might Also Like
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂