I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
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I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME: