Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
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Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄