@Cheeseboy22: When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, "DON'T YOU DIE ON ME!" People always clap when she wakes up.

@lloydrang: I think it's safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.

@FattMernandez: I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let's go for pancakes.

@TheMichaelRock: Why is everyone mad at Kim Davis? Nobody in the government does their job.

@millercycle: *takes a shower* omg I’m getting so much done today