@LuvPug: *puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter* Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now

@Jake_Vig: Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady's room. Thanks a lot, "Top Gun".

@Sean_Burgundy_: Her: Why did you cancel your gym membership? Me: There were some changes in the vending machines that I didn't agree with

@daneZie: How to fall down stairs Step 1 Step 6 Step 7,8,9,11

@LuvPug: I yelled "STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!" & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me