Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
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Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*