I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
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a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
#SaturdayBears
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.