Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
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There’s only one good girl here!
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎