Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
You Might Also Like
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.