Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
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Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Worlds greatest photobomb
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.