Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
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The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful