Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
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Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves