You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
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The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]