‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
You Might Also Like
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
🤣🤣🤣
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.