If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
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My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not