Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
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Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!