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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
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My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!