Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
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The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Swedish for common sense.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
How to find Kentucky on a map
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.