Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
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What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
watergate? u mean a dam??
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.