Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
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I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
what’s really going on
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
turning my gender off to conserve energy
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
A couple who are silly together stay together.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’