Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
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If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.