@JaiyeJones: Here's an olive branch. Please choke on it.
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@KalvinMacleod: [pet store] COP: someone's been stealing puppies OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
@Cpt_Burnout: Guy: "Do you have a lighter?" Me: "Yep" Guy: "You smoke?" Me: "No, you just never know when you're gonna need to light someone on fire."
@ComedyCarter: In life, God is my co-pilot. Unfortunately He is on the no-fly list thanks to His ties to several extremist groups.