heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
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If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.