Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
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hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.