@brendohare: Here's my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: "This will make me famous but not for long"
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@TragicAllyHere: Hmm... kkkk (too many) kkk (too racist) kk (looks like a typo) k (that'll work) Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting "k"
@amydillon: My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad's side of the bed and wake him up.
@BrainFumbles: Cop: Know why I pulled u over? Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?! Cop: Settle down sir Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions] Cop: ...