@brendohare: Here's my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: "This will make me famous but not for long"
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@summerofbenny: "I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure." - Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
@ThisOneSayz: Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they'll materialize out of nowhere.
@PaperWash: donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD! waiter: lol no I said soup OR s- [assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce