@brendohare: Here's my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: "This will make me famous but not for long"
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@weismanjake: One of the toughest parts of adulthood is figuring out how to stay friends with people who post too many selfies
@T_N_Crumpets: Dentist: open Me: *opens* Dentist: wider Me: *opens more* Dentist: wider Me: *opens more* Dentist: that's it, now come in and take a seat
@SatansTongue: *Filling out application* Sex: "no thanks" Well maybe I should write yes... I really need this job. You know what? Yeah sure I'll take sex.