“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
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Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Twitter fine art
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.