Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
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*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
A Short Story.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
We need to put an American base on the sun
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Y’all know who you are.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
No chill.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.