[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
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Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet