HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
You Might Also Like
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
*seductively eats two tums*
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Cheers Twitter.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.