Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
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[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
scrabbled eggs
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.