@cervixsmash: Herpes sounds like the name of a greek god
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@WilliamAder: Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don't think you're supposed call people that any more."
@BillPelicanBros: *job interview* Boss: Give an example of when you've done something creative Me: When I listed my 'experience' on the application form
@GrantTanaka: me: [wheezing, checks fitbit] fitbit: you're lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
@Aspersioncast: When a woman says she'll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.